Walk Through the Fire
by Tayhlia
Summary: The whispers from the Fade grow louder as Aiden Hawke deals with the deaths in her life.


**AN:** I only dream of owning the rights to Fenris and everyone else...

* * *

I touch the fire and it freezes me  
I look into it and it's black  
Why can't I feel?  
My skin should crack and peel  
I want the fire back

-Walk Through the Fire, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

* * *

Aiden Hawke stared at the campfire, a deep frown on her face. Her companions were asleep, exhausted from the day's toils. Like her, they had been running hard and long for days. Glancing at her mat, she suppressed a shiver; the idea of sleep actually scared her.

It had come on so gradually that Aiden had not noticed it. Nothing had been the same since the Deep Roads expedition. Carver's death expounded her mother's grief. Though Leanndra did not out-right say she blamed Aiden, the girl could feel her mother's sideways looks, the sorrow, the silent accusations. Both her siblings were dead and she began to realize it was her fault; that was when the nightmares began.

Soft whispers through her sleep; Bethany calling out her name, Carver's angry declarations that he did not want to live in her shadow. Their deaths played over and over in her sleep, taunting her; the pain-ridden faces of her younger siblings charging her with their deaths every time she shut her eyes.

Then there was Feynriel. Going into the fade to rescue the dream-wandering half elf had brought a whole new level to her nightmares. The betrayal of Fenris and Varric had cut deep, more so because she had been forced to slaughter then in the Fade than the actual act of making a pact with a demon. Anders or Justice as the mage became, was of single mind but had seen the panic on Aiden's face when the whispers began.

Her dreams had become steadily worse since. A numbness seemed to have settled on her. All she could see were the deaths she was responsible for, the blame resonating from her mother, the accusations of them while she slept. Throwing herself into battle after battle seemed the only way to feel anything but the cold.

Reaching forward, she ran her fingers through the blaze of the campfire. Hovering her hand in the center she watched, waiting, nearly pleading to feel some pain. Suddenly a hand wrapped around her wrist, yanking it out of the flames. Aiden found herself staring into the startled green eyes of the elven warrior.

Tension was thick in the air as he searched her face. Turning the palm up, Fenris looked at her hand. It had turned red from the heat but had no injury. She did not look guilty or even angry. In fact, he thought raising his eyes back to her face. She seemed void of any emotion at all.

"Were you trying to injure yourself?" He asked quietly, careful not to alert the others. She pulled her hand, trying to dislodge it from his grip. Unable to do so, Aiden sighed and looked away. "Hawke,"

She shivered as a breeze danced through the trees. "It is not your watch," was all she said in response.

"And you are no good to us if you are damaged," His grip on her wrist tightened slightly.

Aiden looked at him, heaviness to her gaze. "What would that matter to you?" He frowned. "What's one less mage?" Surprised, he sat back on his heels. Standing, she walked away. The waves crashed against the shore as she descended down the rocks towards the water.

_Aiden._ Her name haunted the wind. Squeezing her eyes shut, she took in a deep breath of the salty air, trying to press back the fears. _It's your fault. Why didn't you save us?_

Pebbles tumbled down the wall behind her causing her to whirl around. A bolt of lightning smashed next to a pair of half-armored feet. Her breaths were short and shallow as she looked at Fenris' alarmed face. Maker, she almost killed him. Closing her eyes, Aiden felt tears of shame and horror prickle in her eyes. What if she hadn't missed?

Fenris carefully climbed down the last of the rocks to the ledge she was on. There was panic and blame fleeting across her face. As he approached he realized she was shaking. For a moment, neither said a word, the only sound was the waves.

"I'm sorry," she was looking at him again.

"Your aim needs work," Fenris stated casually.

Disbelief was on her face before she snorted and turned away. Again they were silent. He studied her. Over the last few weeks there had been a shift in Hawke. The Deep Road had lastingly changed the witty girl to something, someone else. Her eyes were haunted, she barely slept, rarely ate. It had been two years since Carver died in the underground tomb but all in the group could sense the strain between mother and daughter. No one ever mentioned it but they all could see it.

Hawke was unraveling by the seams.

"The camp is unguarded," she said in a soft voice.

He arched his brow, amused that that would be her first concern. "I'm certain the dwarf can take care of himself."

The weighted brown eyes shifted back to him. "And of course you care little for Anders, so be it if he dies in his sleep." There was no accusation, no scolding tone just a simple statement of fact.

Fenris shook his head. "If the mage dies of anything it will be of _how_ he sleeps," she did not smile. "You can hear the racket he calls breathing from here."

Though untrue, Aiden pictured the rather loud snore that often resonated from Anders. Looking away, she stared out at the water, the cold seeping through her again. It was not a cold night; on the contrary, it was pleasantly warm. Hugging her arms to her chest she played with the tie around her neck.

"Why are you here?"

Fenris did not answer, though she could feel his eyes on her. A haze of fog danced in the distance. _Aiden,_ it beckoned in her sister's voice as it swirled. Squeezing her eyes shut she tried to ignore it. The tingle of the Fade prickled her skin. _Aiden,_ It was Carver's voice this time. Turning to the only tangible thing she had, she looked at the elf.

"What are you doing here?"

"Call it concern," he said simply. "I awoke to you placing your hand in the fire. Understandably it worried me,"

Without reserve, she shoved him. "Worried you?" Aiden snarled. "You are no more troubled about me than Anders about you." Stepping back the anger disappeared as quickly as it had come. "All you care about is having someone help you get revenge." Dully she looked away and shook her head. "If Danarius were dead, you would be long gone." She could feel the emotions turn in her heart, echoing back to the ache she seemed to feel constantly. "Hunting mages to your heart's content,"

"Hawke," he started reproachfully.

Blazing eyes hit him hard. "But you wouldn't, would you?" Aiden shook her head as her frustration and anger came back to her like the waves hitting the rocks. "Would you turn all your animosity towards mages?" Aiden looked at the water again, her back to him. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "What has magic touched that is does not spoil?"

Fenris blinked, recalling the words he had spat on numerous occasions clearly.

"Will you kill me?" the question was posed but he could not believe it had been stated. Aiden was staring at him with an assessing gaze. "Not now, of course," there was a dry painful humor in her voice. "Once we've helped you kill Danarius," Fenris despised the way his heart tugged at the rueful look in her eye. "You'll have gotten all you want from us." A wry smile spread on her lips causing him to frown. That type of smile did not belong there. "And I am, after all, a mage,"

Extending her hand, he watched an orange-yellow flame erupt around it, bathing them in the shadows of the flickering flames. She was not looking at him any longer but at the fire in her palm. He could see the tears shining in her eyes.

"Hawke," he started causing her to sharply met his eyes, the blaze instantly disappearing sending them once more into the darkness of the night.

"Just go," her voice broke with emotion.

"I cannot," Fenris confessed, unwilling—or unable to leave her alone. "You are unwell," he tried but was cut-off by a hollow laugh. After a moment he started again. "Why did you put your hand in the fire?"

Aiden looked at him before staring back at the waves. "To feel,"

"Feel what?"

"Anything." She whispered shutting her eyes.

A tear ran down her cheek. Sitting down she drew her knees to her chest. The wind said her name again. Fenris took a step forward and then sat awkwardly on a rock next to her. She was quaking.

"I see them," Aiden said quietly. "Carver and Bethany," she elaborated, never taking her eyes off the water. "Every time I lay to sleep, I see them; how they died."

Feeling something should be said, Fenris shifted. "I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose your family."

A hint of a smile teased her lips. "Sometimes it's worse than not knowing if you ever had one," Fenris felt his heart tug, the reminder of his lost past clear. Aiden hunched down, her hair falling into her face. "At least you'll never have to live with their blame,"

He regarded her with surprise. "Your brother's death was not your fault, Hawke."

"I brought him there,"

"Would he have truly remained behind?"

She shook her head. "I am the eldest,"

"And he, his own person,"

Aiden peered up at him for a moment before looking back at the water. "Since we were little Carver was always the odd one out. Father would spend more time with Bethany and me due to our training and he would desperately try to get attention. He always felt nothing was ever good enough and he always had to outdo me."

The fog was moving closer.

"I could have made him stay, in the end he would have listened." Closing her eyes, the numbness spreading, she sighed. "He's dead because of me."

"Did you pour darkspawn blood upon his wound?" Fenris challenged. "Did you make him come with you?"

Leaping to her feet she began pacing. "We only went because of the Templars!" her revelation was near a shout. She stopped and looked at him. "Without money or social ties, we were afraid I would be taken away." Comprehension dawned on him. "I would have been made Tranquil the moment I arrived in the Gallows. Too much of a rebel," she scoffed.

Fenris' mind raced. Carver had never made a secret of his distaste for the constant running and often made it sound like he hated his sister. Even so, the jealous boy would fight beside her, defend her. Coupled with the possibility of personal glory, Carver, in the end, had gone to the Deep Roads to protect her.

"But what would you care about it," her pained voice brought him out of his thoughts. "You see us as nothing but animals, too weak to control our own desires."

Fenris was surprised at how much her reiteration of his opinions bothered him. Was that truly what he believed? "Hawke."

She was pacing again. "You say that we need to be controlled, that people have good reason to fear us." The look she gave him was full of ache. "You fight for freedom for yourself. Blame every mage in sight for the actions of those that harmed you." Her hair fell over her shoulders as she moved closer to him. "Yet you use the markings that are burned so deeply into your skin they marred your soul,"

Anger surged through him.

"Do you remember the things you do when you use the lyrium or does it become a haze of raw emotion?" Aiden watched the change in his face, his body stiffen. The ache in her chest was screaming at her to feel something, anything. "You hate what has been done to you, but can you honestly say that you did not want those markings?"

Like his name sake he growled, clenching his fists. "I did not ask for them." He ground out, rising to his feet.

"You have no memory before receiving them," She challenged. "Perhaps you were an eager to please slave and—"

His markings burst into blue, ire filling him. How could she say such a thing! Not even bothering to reach for his weapon, he attacked her. Blind to his actions, he fought. It was not until he had her pinned to the rock wall did he realize what he had done.

A small trickle of blood was making its way down her lip. She had a swelling bruise on her cheek from a particularly hard hit. One of his hands was wrapped around her throat, the other holding her against the uneven wall. Aiden gripped his wrist lightly but did not fight him. In fact, Fenris realized as the ethereal glow dissipated, she had not tried to stop him at all.

Releasing her, Fenris took a step back, shocked at his actions.

"You're not going to kill me?" her voice was empty. "I won't fight you, honest." There was deadness to her smile. She grabbed his hand and pressed it to her chest, her fingers cold against his skin. "Rip my heart out,"

"Hawke," he tried to pull away.

Tears shone in her eyes. "Shall I encourage you by throwing some spells? Reminding you that I'm a mage and therefore evil," Fenris shook his head. "Why don't you kill me and get it over with?"

"I will not kill you Hawke."

"Why not?"

If he hadn't seen the desperation in her eyes he might have thought she was joking. "Do you wish to die?"

She turned away. "I suppose if I wished it that bad I could go become Tranquil, then I couldn't care about anything anymore."

"You're not serious."

"And if I am?"

"Hawke," Fenris watched her flinch slightly. "Aiden," her name fell from his lips; it sounded foreign to his ear. She looked at him. "Why do you want to die?"

"Because at least then, I wouldn't have to live with their deaths," She was shivering, tears freely falling down her face. "Bethany, Carver, they depended on me. I should have protected them."

He touched her arm lightly and was stunned when she turned into him, burying her face into his shoulder. "You cannot save everyone, Hawke."

"I'm supposed to."

"Any who stated that has never fought a battle," She pulled back enough to look him in the eye. Part of him wanted to back away, the very contact of another making him wish to flee; but a larger part wanted nothing more than to pull her back to him, to feel her body against his, to tell her everything would be all right "Loses are a part of battle, you know this." Hesitating briefly, he reached forward and with his thumb wiped her tears away. "The deaths are not always on the opposing side."

Aiden was shaking. "Why did it have to be them? To be Carver?"

"Because we left Anders behind," Fenris responded and was rewarded with a half-hearted smile and laugh.

He sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear, relishing as she pressed her face into the contact, eyes closing. Her hand slid up and grasped just the edge of his palm, keeping it cupped against her cheek. They stood for a moment, savoring each other's touch.

"It's not your fault," he whispered.

Her eyes opened. She moved away from him. "All I feel is this ache inside of me," Aiden turned away. "It's like the light has gone out all around me, Fenris. Carver was the only thing keeping the dark away." She hugged her arms around her again, aware that he was directly behind her. "I know I'm alive but…" trailing off she drew in a deep breath. "I want to feel something," she turned back. "I feel so cold inside,"

Fenris mutely reached towards her face and gently wiped the blood from her chin. She swallowed hard.

"I touched the fire because I thought that even feeling something painful would be better than this hollowness." Aiden shivered. "But it wasn't warm," Her eyes drifted to her palm "Why can't I feel it?" she let a flame burst into life on her hand. "My skin should blister, but it doesn't." She clenched her hand together, snuffing the fire out. "One of the wonders of magic, I suppose." Her snort was scornful.

"Magic does have its benefits," Fenris admitted.

Aiden looked at him and frowned. After a moment of silent contemplation she spoke, her voice full of distrust. "What are you doing here, Fenris?" he blinked, confused how they returned to that question. "Not here, talking with me, I mean here. With me, with all of us," she waved her arms around as if the others would spring up from the waves. "I'm a mage and you hate magic. I have two other mage companions, one a blood-mage and the other a border-line abomination—not exactly shining examples of what freedom for mages can bring about. Why are you here?"

"I don't know." He answered honestly. Stiffening slightly, she watched his face turn into an impassive mask. "Command me to leave and I shall."

Her brow furrowed. "Command you?" her voice dropped. "Is that what you think of me?" the pain was evident on her face. "I am not a magister, Fenris."

"No but you do lead this band of merry misfits,"

She shoved him so suddenly Fenris nearly fell over. "Then leave!" She pushed him again. "I never asked to lead, I never asked for any of this,"

Gently he caught her wrists. "And yet you have it nonetheless," Her arms went limp, the fight draining out of her. "What is it you want, Hawke?"

There was a pained look in her eye as she pulled away. "Something I cannot have," she whispered sitting down. "Fenris," his name was barely audible. Sinking down, he watched her push pebbles off into the water. "My mother blames me for their deaths, she and I don't talk anymore."

"Your mother is grieving in the only way she knows how," Leaning against the elf, Aiden swallowed hard. Fenris slowly wrapped his arm around her. "If it is forgiveness you are looking for, search in your own heart before seeking it in others,"

Closing her eyes a tear ran down her face. "What if I don't deserve it?"

Fenris frowned. "In the end I suppose only you could decide that,"

Snorting slightly, she pulled back and looked at him. "Then what good is it? I know it is my fault. I know that if I had just been…" Aiden floundered for the word. "Better," she settled on. "They would still be here," Another tear was making its way down her cheek.

Cupping her face in his palm, Fenris slowly wiped away the tear. "You cannot change the past," His voice was quiet. "No matter what you do, how many times you go over it in your head, you cannot change what happened."

Something broke inside her, tears falling down her cheeks. Burying her face into her hands, Aiden sobbed. If only she could go back, if only she could save them. Fenris was right and it hurt her to admit it. She couldn't change what happened. Her siblings were dead, her mother blamed her. Nothing she did now could bring Carver and Bethany back, not grieving, not hating, not dying.

Slowly the tears subsided, dawn breaking over the water, Fenris still sitting beside her, comforting her with his presence. "I hate that you're right," she muttered. He arched a brow at her that cursed amused smile on his face. "Stand up or lay down, fight or surrender, there is only two options," Aiden recited a phrase Aveline once told her.

"Know that you do not walk your path alone," Fenris said softly.

Aiden looked into his eyes, something within her stirring at the emotion in their depths. "I don't?" the words were shakier than she meant, her mind planting hidden meanings behind his statement.

"For whatever else, Hawke," He gave her a light smile. "I remain at your side,"

"For now," the bitter tint escaped out before she could stop it.

Fenris' gaze heated. "For however long you wish me to stay,"

Warmth spread through her. Aiden parted her lips, her heart hammering, \her mind screaming at her to do nothing more than close the space between them and capture a kiss from his lips. "Fenris,"

"OI!" there was a shout from above that caused them both to jerk. "THAT'S MY PACK YOU STUPID WOLF!" Anders' indigence carried down.

She let out a light chuckle. "Either that's a really odd dream or he left food in his bag again," there was the sound of a yip as Anders apparently fended off the beast. "I should get back," Aiden muttered with a half shrug. "It is my watch,"

Fenris rose to his feet offering his hand. Hesitantly she took it. He helped her up, his arm circling her waist momentarily when she lost her balance. The salty sea air mingled with his scent, sending tingles of pleasure down her spine. He held her, neither waiting to pull away but both knowing they should.

"BLONDIE YOU NEARLY HIT BIANCA!" roared Varric.

The two of them jolted away from each other. Awkwardly Fenris led the way back to camp, helping where he could as they climbed the rocky hill. As their camp came into view Aiden slowed and then stopped, something occurring to her.

For the first time in weeks she no longer heard the whispers of the Fade…


End file.
